The Knock at the Door

Perhaps, this might be the most personal post that I've ever written and share 'publicly' to date.

Something from inside of me that I decided I would like to share with you. 

Yes, you.

If you would like to know, and willing to bear with me and read till the end.

This is a tale about my journey as a Catholic Christian.

If I am to write about everything from the beginning till the end, I may end up writing a 10 pages A4 or more essay.. 

But, yea, I think for now this would be enough.

Today, I have come to realize that Jesus has actually been journeying with me and be with me throughout most of my lifetime. I’ve heard stories about Him since I was a small kid but to me at that time, those stories were just like another interesting and magical stories that I’ve heard of from storytelling session or read of from ant story books. Back then, I never understand and know about the significance behind the stories. All I know is people keep telling me that Jesus loves me and He cared for me. So many years have passed, I’ve been gradually learning a bit by bit about Jesus and this Catholic Christian faith. There are times where I feel close to God, touched by God, and there are times when I gone astray, I feel doubts and skeptical and unsure. Finally when I thought that I already have the enough faith and trust, something came inside me which have made me decided not to continue to baptism last year.

As time goes, I come to realized that it was actually fears that keep me from hearing God’s persistent knocking at my door, that it was actually those fears that keep me from opening my door to Him. Fear of the unknown, fear of the serious changes that I might have to make in the way I live my life if I answer that knock. Fear that I couldn’t resist the temptation to sins. Fear that I couldn’t maintain the cleanliness of my heart, my mind, this body which is the temple of God so that He may live comfortably within me. The fear that I may not able to do all these things, to let go, to make changes in my life, to fully prepare myself so that I am worthy of Him.

I am so grateful and thankful that in the middle of all these, God opens my heart and my mind, to come to the realization that all that He asks for is a steady growth and not instant perfection. He made me realize that I am just a human, who make mistakes, who at times will fall, who at time will go astray. He made me realize that all this while He has been with me, He had went through so many things with me, watched me gone through a stage of my life to another one, and He will continue to be with me now, this moment, the next hour, the next decades and forever and ever, no matter how many times I may stumble again in the middle of this journey, no matter how many times I may hurt Him again and again, no matter how many times I may give up, He made me realize that He will still be there, faithfully, stand by me, assist me, and assuring me, child, ‘do not be afraid, for I am with you’. He made me realized that, at times, I may be overwhelmed by my sins and I shall repent and put my trust in Him, and by His grace, He will always be there, help me not to sin again no matter how many times I may fail and fail again. He made me realized that, at times, when I gone astray, being misled, He will guide me home to Him and pull me back into His arms. He asks for my confidence in Him and trust in His plan for me when I am in doubt. ‘Do not worry’. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Have I failed to provide you all these years? After all that you have got from me all these years, all the successes all the blessings, all the good things in life, have you have not enough confidence, faith and trust to let me be your guide? ‘Do not be afraid, for I am with you’.

All these questions that He has thrown to me have really made me reflect through my life again and again. The blessings that He had given me are countless. He surrounds me with people who love me, He paves the road to who I am today, He was there with me in my ups and downs. He made me see His plans unfold before my eyes, in His perfect timing.

I do not regret not being baptized last year. Perhaps, that was another God’s plan for me?  If not, how could have I rediscovered Him, have my eyes, hearts and minds reopen and to realize that He could set me free and be assured that I’m worthy of Him?

Yesterday morning’s reflection during RCIA, I was again touched by Him. The reflection of the narration where Jesus knocking at my door while I was in that closed, filthy room have made me recalled back all the fears I had before, how I have once thought I am not good enough to receive Him in my life, that I keep that door closed, and dare not to answer the knock, open the door and let Him in. That was so me. There were many things that have I experienced that morning. That morning session was the most fulfilling among all that I had before. Tears keep on welling in my eyes, and I fought hard not to let them turns into rain. I keep on praying that everything will turn out smoothly last night, that this time, I will truly officially be called His child. This is it. It’s the time, He says.

As I walk up to the Baptismal font last night, I feel nervous and my heart beats a little bit faster. But as the water pour down my head, it also wash away my nervousness and I was made calm. Be still and know I am your God. As I tasted my first Holy Communion, I was again touched by His body and His blood that He offers to us. But this time, I told myself, I don’t want to let my tears down again, I want to express His touch in the form of happiness, excitement and joy. Hold those tears up, Melanie.

Thank you Cathedral of Holy Spirit, Msgr Bernard Paul and all the people who have made me feel in awe and feel the glorious moment of our Lord last night. It was the best mass and celebration ever!

Thank you also Fr. Anthony Liew, all the RCIA facilitators, my godmother (you was right, there must be a solid reason why all this happens at this time), my beloved friends, all the RCIA candidates and all those who have been journeying with me throughout these years. I’m glad to know all of you and grateful for being able to be in this journey with you all.

Above all, thank you Lord for never giving up and being tired of knocking at my door for all these more than ten years of knowing about You. Thank you for waiting outside the door for so long. Thank You for the cross, Thank You for the chances, Thank you for the courage to say yes, Thank You for everything......